Oh I know about killing characters that you like… I still cry in a way about Cat’s death 
I am on parts in both stories where I don’t really know how to go on… So I switch between stories now all the time and write a little here and a little there 
Actually I am happy in a way that All of me only has 15 chapters left
Cat! 
That’s good that you can mix it up a bit and write different things. Sometimes when you get to a sticking point it’s good to step away and come back to it with fresh eyes. And sometimes you find writing something different teaches you new ways of doing things, so that when you come back to what you were first writing suddenly it seems really clear how to proceed.
And there are deaths in front of me…
Absolutely… Especially when you are on dark or sad parts and with the other story can maybe write just a light and funny moment. Phoenix is only now complicated with the building up stuff… To get anyone in in some way… But soon I can then concentrate on a certain character in a little longer part for I don’t have to witch so much.
All of me is complicated for the Guardian and the Mistress do trouble at once… I know what I want to do where to go but I always end up with Brays and Amber’s nightmare come true somehow… And though I know there are readers who wouldn’t mind a Bramber death (though I got pms to rather kill her then him:see_no_evil:)… My heart would break for it
@Jack - ooh, have you written one too? I’d love to read it!
Haha, that’s a very good question. I was away visiting family last week so haven’t sat down and planned out the next chapter yet, so not sure how much work is going to be involved. Ideally I would love to be able to do a chapter a month but I’m not sure how viable that is, especially with Christmas coming up (I have a few craft projects on the go for presents that will take up a decent chunk of time between now and then). I’ll keep you updated on schedules as soon as I have a better idea!
In the meantime, I was going to post these at the weekend but now’s as good a time as any. I do have a couple of other (short) stories on the board at the minute. My Resistance series is another post S5 AU that started out as a request from @Timberwolf to write a fic around his original character. That is here:
I then did a slightly longer follow up here:
This series was a way for me to practise writing more in the way of action scenes, and also to go down a darker route than in Light of Day. I’d planned to have a third instalment to round things off but this has yet to happen! They’re very Ebony-centric.
I also did a Tribe/Doctor Who crossover short story back in the day. It’s not currently on the board but I can post it if there is interest.
I’ve only written the opening of chapter 1, (it’s on here somewhere), but who knows at this stage if and when I will complete it.
Just keep us updated when we can expect new chapters, I’m getting withdrawal symptoms already. Lol.
Ooooo new stuff to read. 
Saved that up… Have to read those later as right now I am working on my Ebony for Phoenix and don’t want her to mix up with someone else’s go on her 
This story is amazing, addictive, so so so well written. I can see the surrounding, landscapes, buildings in front of me whilst reading. Characters, so intense and well described, new characters blending in seamlessly, a storyline that’s exciting, colourful, full of emotions, twists and turns and simply wonderful. Thank you so much for keeping the dream alive, thank you and all the other talented writers who pour out their ideas and emotions to feed The Tribe addicts, of which I am one. I take my hat off to you!
Thank you so much, that’s really kind of you! It always makes me so happy to hear that my story has given people a little pleasure, especially in these strange times.
I haven’t forgotten this, and will definitely be writing more just as soon as I have a spare moment! There might also be something special in the works, just to say thank you to everyone for the encouragement and kind words…
Brought you a new reader 
@Laska Matt is a splendid writer… It’s great even without our usual favorite couple 
Matt take your time…
Good things are worth waiting!
As long as its not another 8 years… 
at least Matt has seen the show unlike AJ Penn.
if read Revolution, Roanne info from Tribe Wiki Fandom:
“Roanne managed a whore house on the docks, working for Dirk.
Series 1:
She provided the bulimic and vulnerable Salene with free food and acted friendly and understanding, in an attempt to groom her into becoming a prostitute. When Salene refused to repay her debt, Roanne captured her in a room. Salene was coincidentally freed by Ryan and the two escaped.”
Revolution book excerpt, page 206?:
“It was Roanne. He was aware she had run her own brothel, long ago, in his own city - Salene having fallen into Roanne’s debt, accidentally ensnared when she was particularly vulnerable and at a low ebb.”
I haven’t read Revolution yet. I couldn’t justify paying the full price for something I know that is sucky because of the poor writing from A.J Penn in the previous 2.
We all have seen the show… Without doubt we sure knock off better versions of S6 all the time
It’s even kind of unnecessary that Penn went and brought in side characters that make most fans think “Okay… Why bring those persons in?!” instead of going and explain fir real what happened to those returns…or where KC is left while we all know Alice and him have been together in the end of s5… Penn just ignored that and that did it already to me
And then making Bray wishy-washy like “Oh yeah Jay you’re a good man… I step back if Amber wants you… Lalalaaaaaa…” I so wanted to hit the ebook reader to the floor then
think AJ gets inspiration from that tribe wiki fandom site rather than the actual tv show.
i got the previous 2 books but not a physical of Revolution.
concerning my fanedit Zwenja, was thinking about Dee to replace Roanne. still got so many ideas though.
started season 4 scripts
God one… Dee sure is a better catch!
Why don’t just durch the whole story and do your own?! All those ideas with the collective have potential… True… But it’s hard to think in and by filling all gaps and holes you might be better off with really doing your thing… I prefer my two versions of S6 far more then the book S6…
Saw that… your hard work paid off for me because I needed flashbacks for the episode were Bray and Tai-San do the antidote for my one shot about them 
Oh my god I think this is by far the best FF I’ve ever read (and I’ve read lots of them back in the days when The Tribe was still on air). Way better even than the books by A.J. Penn I have to say! To be honest, I finished reading your story some weeks ago but couldn’t get myself to write a (well deserved) comment as it’s sometimes hard to find the correct english words for what I’d like to express. Reading is much easier for me 
But nevertheless I’d at least like to tell you how much I enjoyed reading your story! I kinda stumbled over it by chance as I was doing a rewatch of all seasons and originally was looking for a Jebony FF. Obviously I didn’t find it within your story and at first I wanted to stop reading as it was a lot about Amber who isn’t one of my favourites but your great spelling style kept me going and it was sooo worth it! I love your storylines and the way you express peoples feelings, the way you describe the surroundings and of course the exciting storylines.
And last but not least I’m overwhelmed by the way you describe Ebony (one of my favourite scenes was the one with her and Lex at the beach when they think that Slade has drowned just before she storms off). I think you got her character just right by not describing her as all bad like in the official The Tribe books.
I hope you keep on writing as I’d love to keep on reading 
Thank you so much for this great story and all the best wishes from germany!
Oh, thank you so much! And wow, I’m honoured that you stuck with the story despite it not being what you were originally looking for!
I’m so pleased that you like the descriptions of the surroundings and the focus on characters’ feelings. Building a sense of place and conveying the emotions and motivations of the characters (and trying to keep that true to the show) are really important to me so I’m really happy that you enjoyed these aspects of the story.
one of my favourite scenes was the one with her and Lex at the beach when they think that Slade has drowned just before she storms off
Yay, mine too!
Thank you so much again. I’m currently working on a special bonus chapter to say thank you to everyone for all the encouraging comments. It will be posted on Valentine’s Day, then I will focus on the main story again.
Hi folks,
Once again I just want to say thank you for all the kind words and encouragement as I’ve been reposting and now continuing this story. To show my appreciation I’ve written a sort of bonus chapter or ‘inserted scene’, looking at one version of what might have taken place between chapters 11 and 12 when Jay had to spend the night on Darryl’s couch. I hope you enjoy it.
–
Chapter 11.5: A Night on the Couch
In the darkness Jay wriggled irritably, trying to stretch his legs in the little space that was available. The blanket that had been covering him slipped to the floor and he grabbed it back sulkily, spreading it back around himself with more force than was strictly necessary. This wasn’t the nice warm bed he’d been looking forward to after the exhausting events of the day, racing through the city to stop the Mallrats sailing away after Mega’s virus was contained. And the soft snores - like a miniature pneumatic drill - coming from the other side of the room were not the comforting presence of Amber. No, Amber needed space she said. Why, he didn’t know. She still wouldn’t tell him what had happened at the hotel earlier, or why it was somehow his fault. Why she couldn’t seem to meet his eyes anymore. Was it because he’d left her there? He’d only done what she’d told him to do. Whatever it was, how could he make up for it if he didn’t know what he’d done wrong?
So now he lay angry and aching on Darryl’s couch. He sighed. He wasn’t angry at Amber really. Or at Darryl for not having anything more comfortable to sleep on. No, he was angry at himself, for getting everything so wrong. Again. It had been the same in all of his relationships. Amber. Trudy. Ebony. Spinner. He blinked. Now there was a name he hadn’t thought of in a long time, but it fit the pattern all the same. He just didn’t know where he always went wrong with women.
Yes you do, part of him said, but he instinctively pushed the thought aside. It wasn’t difficult; he’d been ignoring that voice successfully for years.
Cramp seized his leg and he kicked out, losing the blanket again. ‘Ah! Ah! Ah!’ he cried out involuntarily as he frantically rubbed his calf muscle in an effort to relax it.
Darryl’s bedside lamp clicked on, illuminating part of the room. ‘You ok, Jay?’ he asked sleepily, rubbing his eyes.
‘Fine, Darryl,’ he said through gritted teeth as the pain began to subside. ‘Just cramp,’ he breathed.
Darryl grimaced. ‘Yeah, sorry about that,’ he said bashfully. ‘Not so comfortable, eh?’
Jay tried to smile reassuringly while rubbing a knot in between his shoulders. ‘It’s better than the alternative,’ he said. And it was true, for the simple reason that there hadn’t been an alternative. Only Darryl had offered him a place to sleep. ‘I’m grateful,’ he added.
Darryl looked thoughtful for a moment before saying, a little self-consciously, ‘You know Jay, if it’s not too weird, there’s plenty of room in the bed.’
Jay hoped the light from the lamp wasn’t enough for Darryl to see the heat he suddenly felt creeping up his face. He cleared his throat. ‘Nah, it’s alright,’ he said, trying for a nonchalant tone.
Darryl shrugged. ‘Fair enough,’ he said, not really surprised by the answer. ‘Oh well, night then Jay!’
‘Goodnight Darryl.’
The lamp went out. Jay breathed. Idiot! he berated himself. Why do you have to make everything awkward?
He settled his head back down on the arm of the couch, eyes open. Time passed. Minutes? Hours? He didn’t know. He only knew he was awake and that he wanted to be asleep. And that Darryl was breathing evenly at the other end of the room.
He tried turning on his side. He felt claustrophobic pressed against the backrest of the couch. He tried turning on his other side. His other leg cramped up and he ground his teeth, riding it out in pained silence. Eventually he could stand it no longer. He wasn’t going to get any sleep at all at this rate.
He lifted his head, staring in the direction of the bed, which was just a shadowy lump in the dark of the room. ‘Darryl?’ he said softly after a while. ‘Are you awake?’
He was met by silence. He gave a tiny sigh, somehow both relieved and disappointed. Then the light came on.
‘Sup?’ Darryl blinked.
Jay swallowed. ‘That…that offer?’ He wasn’t sure how to continue. Luckily he didn’t have to. Darryl pulled aside the covers on the empty side of the bed in a wordless invitation and he found himself padding over, suddenly keenly aware that he was only wearing his shorts. Darryl too, he supposed, but it was too late now to back out without looking stupid.
‘I hope you’re not going to be all elbows!’ Darryl said, arching an eyebrow. ‘I’ve heard the stories.’
‘Stories?’ Jay squeaked, missing a step.
Darryl chuckled. ‘I’m joking,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘Just get in, you silly bean. I’m missing my beauty sleep.’
Jay slipped under the covers, feeling instantly relaxed by the comfort of the mattress. His peace was quickly shattered, however, when his foot accidentally brushed against Darryl’s own bare leg while trying to find a good sleeping position. He recoiled instantly, almost kneeing himself in the face. Smooth.
‘Dude!’ Darryl laughed. ‘If anyone should be backing away it should be me, your feet are freezing!’ To Jay’s horror, Darryl started rubbing his feet against Jay’s, as if he were trying to start a fire with them.
‘What…what are you doing?!’ he spluttered.
‘My mom always said that if your feet are cold, then your whole body is cold,’ he explained, coming to a halt. ‘There, isn’t that better?’
Jay had to swallow before he could speak. He did feel warmer, but not because his feet weren’t cold anymore. ‘Let’s just get some sleep, eh?’ he said irritably, turning onto his side and away from Darryl.
‘Good plan,’ Darryl agreed with a yawn. Jay heard him fumbling for the light switch before darkness returned. ‘Sweet dreams!’ he wished before Jay felt the tightening of the covers as Darryl rolled the other way.
Breathing again, Jay lay still in the bed. His heart was pounding. It was all he could hear. The whole bed seemed to reverberate with it. Surely Darryl must be able to hear it too? He tried to focus on his breathing. In and out. In and out. Settle down. What’s wrong with you? But every time Darryl made the tiniest movement he became uncomfortably aware of how little space there was between their two bodies, remembered how he’d felt when he’d brushed Darryl’s leg - like it was perfectly right that they should be in bed together, and at the same time so wrong - and his heart began to beat faster again. Worse, that voice in the back of his head, the one he’d been pushing away all this time, had awoken again and was whispering to him. Do it again. Just stretch out your leg and… But what if Darryl wasn’t asleep? He fought with himself. It wouldn’t matter, not really. He could easily say that he had just moved in his sleep, nothing intentional in it at all. But why did he want to do it? It would just be…comforting, to have that contact with another person. That was all. What was wrong with that? Slowly, reluctantly, millimetre by millimetre, his leg moved backwards.
The light clicked on. Jay’s eyes popped open in alarm. Surely there was no way Darryl could have read his mind? Reality settled in. No. Of course there wasn’t. Calm down Jay, you flake!
The room remained still and silent. Curious, Jay turned around. Darryl was looking at him with such a serious expression that he began to reconsider the likelihood of mind-reading. ‘Is…everything ok Darryl?’ he asked.
Darryl opened his mouth, closed it again, and thought for a while before speaking. ‘There’s…probably something you should know,’ he said weakly. ‘About me. Given that we’re sharing a bed and all. Just in case anything…happens…in the night. I…I just want you to be prepared.’ He reached underneath the bed, muttering something about protection. Jay felt a sudden thrill and the corners of his mouth twitched unbidden in the beginnings of a smile. He forced himself to frown, feeling disgusted at himself. When Darryl emerged he was holding a large teddy bear. ‘This is Mr Ted,’ he said self-consciously.
Jay blinked. Anger stabbed him. For a brief moment, Darryl had made him think that maybe the two of them shared something. The same secret. I don’t have a secret! Now he felt cheated. He had come closer in that one moment than ever before to admitting something to himself, something that he desperately wanted not to be true. It’s NOT true! It was harder to convince himself of that now, whereas Darryl was still Darryl, still normal. He felt stupid.
He looked back at Darryl, who seemed to be expecting some kind of response. ‘I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me,’ he said in a tight voice, shrugging his shoulders impatiently.
‘Oh, um, well…’ Darryl shrank from his gaze and he tried to soften it. A little. He still didn’t care about a stupid teddy bear. ‘It’s just that…’ Darryl continued, still not quite meeting Jay’s eyes. ‘Before Slade found me, when I was playing Zoot for Mega, well it…it messed me up a bit. A lot, actually. Mega wanted to make sure that I was convincing enough so he…he made me watch things. Like, torture things, you know? To get into character. Even now I…have nightmares, sometimes. Can’t sleep. Mr Ted helps.’
A wave of guilt washed over Jay. He’d been so caught up in his own issues - not that he had any - that he hadn’t stopped to think properly about what Darryl was so hesitant to tell him, hadn’t considered that easy-going Darryl might have his own baggage, or his own ways of dealing with things.
‘Man…I’m sorry Darryl,’ he said, quite genuinely. ‘I didn’t realise. Do you…want to talk about it?’
Darryl shook his head but then fixed him with a pleading look. ‘You don’t think any less of me, do you Jay?’ he asked hopefully.
Jay propped himself up in bed and placed a comforting hand on Darryl’s shoulder. ‘Darryl, you have nothing to be ashamed of,’ he said emphatically. Not like you, he told himself mockingly before swatting the thought away. ‘We’ve all got our own traumas to work through. That’s just how the world is now, unfortunately. You’re no less of a man for drawing a little comfort from wherever you need to.’ He wondered for a moment if he was trying to tell himself the same thing, then shook his head and removed his hand from Darryl’s shoulder, sinking back down onto the pillow.
‘Thanks Jay,’ Darryl said. ‘That means a lot.’ He thought for a moment and then placed Mr Ted between them in the bed. ‘There, he can look out for both of us now.’
Jay smiled at Darryl’s gesture and closed his eyes, feeling content again, or at least like he’d gained a bit of perspective. He didn’t even mind when Darryl murmured a cheeky ‘Night Bert,’ before turning off the light again. Instead he snorted in amusement at the Sesame Street reference.
‘Goodnight Ernie,’ he smiled, before drifting off to sleep.
In his dreams, Jay ran through the city. He didn’t know if he was running away from something or towards it; all he knew was that he was running out of time. Have to be faster, he thought. Suddenly he was on Slade’s motorbike, tearing through the streets at breakneck speed. It was exhilarating. He whooped for joy. He’d never felt such excitement before, such freedom.
‘I knew you’d like it!’ a voice called out over the roar of the engine. Jay was surprised to realise that Slade was riding pillion behind him - how could he have forgotten? - his arms around Jay’s waist for balance. Slowly those arms started caressing their way up his chest. ‘You do like it, don’t you Jay?’
He woke with a start. His mind was racing, the dream still vivid. It took a moment to realise that he wasn’t still in charge of a speeding motorbike. He could relax then, a little. Not completely. It seemed that even in his sleep he could no longer hide from unwanted thoughts. His hands balled into fists. How many women did he have to be with before his body understood what he wanted? What he was supposed to want, wanted to want even. But as hard as he tried to deny it, he found himself repeatedly betrayed by those buried desires that always seemed to find a way to bubble back up to the surface. He found other guys attractive. There, the thought was out. But I don’t want to! Part of him did, though. Part of him wanted to close his eyes and fall back into that same dream, to see what would happen next. Even now, he could still feel Slade’s arms around him.
No, wait. There were arms around him, but not Slade’s. At some point during the night Darryl must have rolled over to hold him, and Jay had let him. Not consciously of course, but it was still a worrying slip. He lay there, aware of Darryl’s arms around him and trying to gauge how he felt about it. The whole situation was very confusing for him. Other questions floated in his mind too. Had Darryl done this deliberately, or had he been asleep? And, either way, what did it all mean? Was Darryl…interested in him? Jay had never really thought about him in that way, or at least no more than he’d thought of any of the other guys in the tribe. He winced at the realisation of that last thought. All he knew was that, even though he’d slept like this many times before, holding Amber, or Trudy, or even Ebony, this time felt different. More natural. Like this was how it was meant to be. The voice in his head that kept telling him it was wrong was barely a whisper now. Tentatively, he lifted his hand and placed it over one of Darryl’s arms that encircled his waist, stroking it gently.
Darryl began to stir, and suddenly the reality of the situation hit Jay. What did he think was about to happen? That Darryl would confess his secret love for him and they’d live happily ever after? This wasn’t some fairy tale. No, he knew how this would end. His hand sprang away from Darryl’s arm instinctively, like a puppet whose strings had been cut, and he squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to give Darryl any indication that he’d been aware of, or had any responsibility for, the way they’d ended up. And, he realised, not wanting to see the look of horror and disgust that would surely appear on his friend’s face.
Darryl groaned a little, fighting his return to the waking world. His arms began to shift their position and then abruptly stopped. He gave an inquisitive squeeze. ‘Mr Ted?’ he spoke softly, the confusion apparent in his voice. His hands began probing uncertainly, reminding Jay uncomfortably of his dream, before Darryl finally let out an ‘Oh!’ and stopped. ‘Jay!’ he exclaimed. ‘I’m sorry, I…um…I guess you were cosier than Mr Ted…’
He cut off abruptly, and Jay was shocked when he realised why. Darryl had begun to extricate himself from around him, and without thinking Jay had grabbed his arm as if to stop him. His eyes opened wide and panic seized him, but he couldn’t seem to let go. It was too late anyway. How was he going to get out of this one?
‘I…um. Sorry Darryl,’ he began. Think! ‘I just thought…after…after what you said earlier. About your nightmares. If it helps to hold someone…’ Hold me! ‘Rather than Mr Ted, then it’s ok. I don’t mind.’ Please!
There was a silence that seemed to stretch into eternity but must in reality have lasted only moments, given that he didn’t think he’d breathed at all during it. To his surprise, however, Darryl seemed to accept his explanation. To his greater surprise, he snuggled closer, resting his head against Jay’s shoulder. ‘Thanks Jay, you’re the best,’ he said. ‘But don’t tell Mr Ted,’ he finished in a conspiratorial whisper so close to Jay’s ear that he shivered. A little later, still astonished but emboldened by how comfortable Darryl seemed with the situation, he dared to replace his hand on Darryl’s arm.
Darryl gave a contented sigh. ‘You know, Jay,’ he said sleepily. ‘I’ve always thought the world would be a happier place if people just cuddled more.’
Jay chuckled nervously, not quite believing what was happening. ‘Try telling that to Lex,’ he replied.
‘I reckon Lex would be an awesome cuddler if he put his mind to it,’ Darryl countered, a hint of amusement in his voice. ‘Don’t you?’
Jay found himself unable to reply, distracted by thoughts of cuddling Lex. He flushed, suddenly uncomfortable. What was happening to him? He wasn’t usually like this. But he was starting to realise just how much of how he usually behaved was an act, and how exhausting it was to maintain that act day in, day out. Who am I, really? he wondered. It was a scary thought.
‘Feeling a bit tense there, Jay?’ Darryl murmured. ‘Sorry, I know you’d rather be doing this with Amber. I’m sure she’ll come round soon. You’ll see. Everything will work out.’
Talk of Amber extinguished the heat of his rogue thoughts just as effectively as if he’d been doused by a bucket of water. That was a sign in itself. ‘Darryl,’ he sighed. ‘I don’t think it’s going to work out between me and Amber.’
‘What? No!’ Darryl cried in genuine dismay. ‘But you guys seem so good together.’
‘I don’t think…’ Jay began, unsure as to whether he wanted to continue. ‘I don’t think it’s going to work out between me and any woman,’ he finished in a rush.
‘But…’ There was a long pause as Darryl’s brain processed what Jay was saying. ‘Oh. Well, that’s ok.’
Jay swallowed, suddenly feeling emotional. He had mentally prepared himself for a whole host of reactions from Darryl - all negative - but not this. Such straightforward, unconditional acceptance, as if he’d just said he’d preferred coffee over tea…well, that was more than he could have hoped for. More than he’d ever had, even from himself…But then, of course it would have gone this way. This was Darryl. You could tell him that the sky had suddenly turned purple and he’d accept it just as readily.
Even so, Jay still found himself confused over what was happening between the pair of them. He’d more or less just told Darryl that he liked guys, yet here they were. Still in bed together. Still cuddling. Was this just Darryl being Darryl? Or was it something more?
‘Darryl?’ he asked finally, his mouth suddenly dry. ‘Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?’
‘Dude!’ Darryl chuckled. ‘Look at us! I think you can ask me a question.’
Jay laughed weakly. ‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘Well, I just…I was wondering, do you like other guys?’
‘Well yeah,’ Darryl replied. ‘I mean, I like you, and Slade, and Jack. Even Lex has his moments!’
‘No, Darryl,’ Jay said firmly, turning his body so that he lay facing Darryl, their faces close. Even though the room was dark, there was enough moonlight for him to make out his features clearly. ‘I mean do you…are you…gay?’ He coloured a little, the word sounding foreign on his tongue, and too loud, like the whole mall must have heard it. Because I think I am.
Darryl pondered for a bit before answering. ‘I don’t know, man,’ he said eventually. ‘I guess I never thought about it before. I don’t really call myself anything. I just go with the flow, you know? Do whatever feels good.’ He gave a rueful smile. ‘Not that there’s been any flow to go with,’ he added. ‘Not since I made a fool of myself pretending to be Zoot.’
Jay was thrown for a moment. This wasn’t one of the answers he’d prepared for when he asked the question. Then he recovered. ‘And…what feels good now?’ he asked, feeling hyper-aware of his own heartbeat again.
‘That’s easy,’ Darryl said. ‘This feels good. I don’t feel scared of going back to sleep with you here. I feel safe.’
Jay nervously laid a hand on Darryl’s arm. His mind raced. What was he doing? ‘And this?’
‘That feels pretty nice too,’ Darryl agreed.
Jay was out of his comfort zone now, unable to make the next move. Unsure if he wanted to. ‘Anything else?’ he asked instead, hopefully.
Something changed in Darryl’s eyes, in the way he was looking at him. Jay’s heart seemed to skip a beat before becoming even quicker as if to make up for it. ‘Maybe this?’ Darryl smiled before Jay felt lips brushing against his own, so softly and quickly that he wasn’t sure if it had actually happened. ‘How about y…?’ Darryl began, but Jay cut him off by bringing their lips together again. Shame and relief washed over him in equal measures. Voices gnawed at the back of his head. His father, his teachers, telling him how disgusting he was. He heard a strangled sob that he was startled to realise had come from himself, and when he pulled away from Darryl he realised that his cheeks were wet.
Darryl gently cupped one side of Jay’s face with a hand, wiping away the tears with his thumb. ‘It’s ok,’ he said. ‘We don’t have to do this.’
Part of Jay was glad to have an out. He wanted to run from the room, to hide in a dark corner somewhere so nobody could see him. But he also knew that if he ran and hid now, he’d be running and hiding for the rest of his life. Instead, with the tears still leaking from his eyes, he lifted a shaky hand up to Darryl’s face, mirroring his gesture, and pulled him closer until their lips met once more. He closed his eyes, squeezing the tears out, and with them the voices, purging it all from his body and mind. Every snide comment, every mocking laugh, every disgusted look, he let it all flow out of him, washed away by the rivulets that made salty tracks down his face. It was like the dam he had built up to contain those memories, those thoughts and feelings, had been breached and everything was coming out at once. Behind it was something new. No, not new. It was something that had been submerged for so long but had finally been exposed. He could see it now, and recognise it for what it was. It was a part of him, had always been a part of him, and he could no longer ignore it.
By the time he finally pulled away, he had stopped crying. The physical sensation of the kiss itself was all a blur. With all that had been going through his head, it was almost as if it had happened to someone else. Only the lingering feeling of breathlessness and the steady thud of his heart against his chest told him that it had been real. Well, that and the remnants of his tears on Darryl’s cheeks.
‘Sorry,’ he mumbled, scrubbing the back of his hand over his eyes. ‘This isn’t a reflection on you,’ he added in an attempt at humour, noting his tears.
Darryl smiled reassuringly, propping himself up on the pillow with an elbow. ‘There’s nothing to apologise for,’ he said.
Jay smiled weakly, but he was starting to believe that maybe that was true.
‘I guess you’ve got a lot of stuff to work out,’ Darryl continued. Jay nodded. Darryl let the silence linger for a while before adding ‘Wanna talk about it?’
He shook his head. He could barely explain all this to himself, let alone anyone else.
Darryl nodded in acceptance. ‘Wanna cuddle?’ he asked instead.
Jay nodded and Darryl reached out, allowing Jay to rest his head on his chest. Jay lay in his arms, listening to Darryl’s heartbeat beneath his ear. A comforting beat. Eventually it slowed to the steady rhythm of sleep, but Jay remained wide awake, his thoughts tumbling around inside his head like a ship in a storm.
There was just so much to think about, so much to unpack, after tonight. One thing he knew for certain - he couldn’t remain a slave to the ghosts of his past anymore. He had put those to rest tonight and finally accepted his feelings, finally accepted… That I’m gay. He made himself think the words.
But what now? His past couldn’t hurt him anymore, that was true, but what about the future? What about Amber? He didn’t want to hurt her, but how could he not if he told her the truth? That their time together had been a lie? For that matter, what about Trudy? And Ebony? She was bound to have something to say, and nothing good. He didn’t even want to think about how Lex would react when he found out. Slade too. They would never look at him in the same way again.
Then there was Gel. If she found out it wouldn’t be just the rest of the Mallrats he had to worry about but the whole city. There was no way she would be able to keep quiet about gossip like that. Jay suddenly wondered how thick the walls were. She was only next door. Could she have heard Darryl and him talking? Figured out that they had shared a bed? What tales might she carry to the rest of the tribe?
And what about Darryl himself? Jay felt mean thinking it but Darryl was neither the sharpest tool in the box, nor the most tactful. Maybe he would think that they were together now. He had visions of Darryl casually announcing at the breakfast table that Jay was his boyfriend. He knew he was imagining worst case scenarios but already he could feel everyone’s eyes on him, feel the heat suffusing his face.
He was sweating, he realised. Hurriedly pulling away the bedcovers, he carefully moved away from Darryl so as not to wake him and swung his legs out over the side of the bed, sitting a while with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands, just feeling the cooler air on his skin. He noticed that his foot was touching something soft on the floor and he bent down to pick up Mr Ted. He looked at the bear and then at Darryl, a plan starting to form in his head. It was a crazy idea that would never fool anyone with half a brain but, as he had already noted, Darryl wasn’t the brightest of sparks; with a bit of luck, it might just work.
Rising, Jay carefully placed Mr Ted in the bed beside Darryl, whose arm instinctively closed around the bear. Jay froze, expecting Darryl to wake up, but he just mumbled something inaudible before settling back into sleep. Breathing a sigh of relief, he straightened the bedcovers before tiptoeing across the room, back to the couch. With any luck, Darryl would wake up in the morning and think that this had all been a dream. Maybe he wouldn’t be the only one. Maybe Jay himself would wake up to find the dam in his mind magically repaired and his memories of tonight conveniently repressed.
As soon as he lay down on the couch he knew that wouldn’t happen. To wake required him to sleep first, and he wasn’t going to get any of that on the couch. Besides, did he really want to consign what had happened tonight to a dream? Already he missed the comfy bed, as well as - he had to admit - its occupant. For the duration of that one kiss, he had finally managed to be himself. He had been accepted as himself, and accepted himself. But he wasn’t ready to show that person to anyone else. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
He tried to go over everything in his mind. What would he do if Darryl wasn’t fooled? What would he do if he was? His thoughts went round and round in circles, gradually slowing and becoming fuzzy until finally he was able to doze.
It was Darryl jolting awake that roused him from his half sleep. Morning light now bathed the room and he watched stealthily from under the lid of one half-closed eye as Darryl’s brain caught up with his body and became aware of his surroundings. He looked down at the bear in his arms in confusion, then at the empty side of the bed, then at Jay on the couch, and finally at the bear again. The effort of thought was clear on his face; Jay felt guilty for messing with his mind like this but it was the only way he could protect himself.
‘Mr Ted!’ Darryl finally whispered in a scandalised voice that confirmed to Jay that his plan had worked. Darryl shook his head and hid Mr Ted back under the bed before getting up, grabbing a towel and leaving the room to start his day.
Jay opened his eyes fully and propped himself up on his elbows, staring at the empty door that Darryl had left through with regret. Then he caught sight of Mr Ted’s head sticking out from under the bed. The bear’s plastic eyes seemed to bore into his soul, fixing him with a disapproving gaze.
‘Don’t look at me like that,’ he said guiltily. But Mr Ted was a stuffed bear, and could not alter his expression.
‘One day,’ he told the bear, who continued to stare.
‘Maybe.’
With a sigh, he settled back down on the couch and closed his eyes, determined to get a few more minutes of sleep before he had to be up and about.