- I kissed a guy…and I liked it?! * (inspired by Katy Perry’s song , "I kissed a girl“)
I sit on my window sill, looking out. Staring at the sky that seems to be wider here out of the city. The stars seem to be closer. Like I only have to lift my finger to touch them. Pick one down. My own wishing star. I could need one. How could my life come to this? Once the trusted, celebrated general, now the sad rebel. Stranded in a godforsaken ghost town. With Lex, Gel and the evil sisters. Okay Siva isn’t evil. But Ebony and Java? I am surprised they haven’t killed each other. My thoughts wander to the sweet Ebony I knew once. Was that all a lie? Or did I maybe live in such a close minded reality? Was I so desperate for a little affection that I oversaw how cruel and evil she is?
But still she is a tough ass kicking woman, who we need on our side. But I doubt that will go without trouble. I noticed the looks between Slade and her. I should warn him, but the question is if he will listen. He didn’t listen for real when I told him to get things together. The guy is the leader and acts like he just gives out advices to people. I miss Amber. She would have a way to talk sense in all of them. She knows how to get to Lex, who right now only seems to think about how he can get Siva back into his bed. I like Siva and part of me wants to say to her “Stay the hell away from him!” He messes up all girls he is with. But who I am to talk about THAT? I sigh into my hands. What have I done? Trudy, Amber…? Why? My thoughts wander back. Maybe, only maybe Darryl had a point…
some hours before
“Manly trouble?” Darryl plopped down to me, a friendly smile on his face and a drink for me in his hands. I took it and took a huge gulp. “Woa…it is only juice! If you need something stronger…?!” “What? Oh no…erm…better not…” “Aren’t good with booze?” I did a silly half shrug, half nod. Unsure. I never was the Slade or Lex badass guy, gulping down alcohol like the villain in a bad western movie. “Nothing to be ashamed off. It is better to keep your head clear anyway. Especially you…” “Huh?” I stared confused at him. “Well…given how you look…girls fanning over you…you should keep a clear head or you have new problems after getting clear again…” I couldn’t stop myself from laughing. “Haha…sorry…but guess I couldn’t get myself into more trouble with girls then I already have…” He chuckled with me.
“Ebony at last doesn’t seem to be interested any more in me…” I whispered taking another sip. It was tasty. Orange with a twinge of whatever. “Are you? Interested in her still?” “Not for all the love in the world!” I sneered almost. That woman had really almost broken me. But then again she would probably say that I was the one breaking her. “The man taming her isn’t born yet…” Darryl nodded wisely. “I hope Slade is aware of that…I wouldn’t like him seeing to break Ruby’s heart…” “Because YOU like Ruby?” I tried for a talk friends would have. Why not? I literally never had a male friend. Males tend to dislike me, because girls like me.
“Me?” A smirk crossed his face. “No…I mean…I LIKE her, like ‘LIKE’ ! Nothing more…mind…haha…” “What’s so funny in that?” I always hated when someone laughed and I didn’t understand why. It feels like having missed a step to go. “Because…well…she is not my type…” “Oh…oh well…what type do you then prefer?” It was what men ask each other , or? “Erm…well…” His eyes seemed to analyse me. Checking out if he could be open to me. To a literally stranger. Being on the same agenda doesn’t mean to trust. “You know…well…someone…erm…not as girlish…?!”
That didn’t make sense at all. Ruby was a tough woman. Nothing girlish. Gel was girlie queen, but not the cool bartender woman. “Not as…girlish? If you think she is girlish who couldn’t…” The coin dropped when he looked away from me, twiddling his thumbs in his lap. “Oh…” “Oh?” Still he didn’t face me. “…I erm…sorry?” “What for? You’re sorry I am gay? Sorry for me? Sorry for you?” “No…I mean…erm…I didn’t want to…” What was I about to say? Hurt you ? Had I even hurt him? “You don’t have to say anything at all. It is nothing anyone has done to me or can change. If I could I maybe would, for it would save me from such reactions…” He sounded bitter. In our world where guys played the 'who is the biggest warrior around ’ all the time, it couldn’t be easy to stand by that.
“Darryl…I …thank you for trusting me…it is brave…” His eyes being small he had glared at me. “Please Jay…don’t give me that ‘you’re brave’ shit! What is brave on that? It is just me. What I like. How I feel. What is brave in that? Is a straight person a coward or what?” “No…only…I mean telling others is…” “Yeah it is supposed to be so brave to step out and speak yourself out…why? Why do gay people even still to have announce? Does a straight person one day step up, saying ‘I am straight’? NO! So why have we gay people to do it? No. I am not going that way. If I would find a guy feeling mutual to me, I would just go with it and people would see. No reason to make a fuss about my sexual orientation beforehand…”
It was silent a while and weirdly the silence did feel nice. Not awkward even. “You don’t have to sit here still…take a run…” He told me and I stared asking at him “Come again?” “I mean…you don’t need to act like you’ve got no problem with me now…” “Problem? For you like guys?” Then I laughed loud “Sorry mister…there are REAL problems going on around…you being gay is just a fact…nothing to worry about…” “For you…” he muttered. Really?! Was he trying to be the sissy with me or what? It pulled on my honour somehow.
“How did you…I mean…did you always knew…?” He shook his head. “No…I…well…it never was a question. My eyes automatically searched the guy…not the girl…” “Never noticed…” “Hey don’t forget who you speak too? I acted Zoot…I can fool people. Guess many would be like ‘Waaaa…you are gay?’…but the fact is I don’t keep that silent…there is only no reason to shout it out. You?” I made wide eyes. “What ‘me’?” His grin was somehow charming. “Did you always know…or THINK you fancy women?” “What…what do you mean with that now? I FANCY women. Not think it only.” “Sure?” “I…what…?” He shrugged “I only think…maybe you change girls like underwear for a reason?” I had jumped up the stairs “What do you want to say with that? That I jump from woman to woman to make the world think I’m straight ?!” “Glad you said that now…” He grinned even broader, somehow wicked. ASSHOLE!
“Know what? Right…you aren’t brave…you’re an idiot!” I flared at him and left him alone.
end of Jay’s memory
I sigh ruffling my hair. It must look like a birds nest meanwhile. Hell…now I even sound gay?! “The asshole fucked me up!” I get up and plop down on the small sofa that is supposed to be my sleeping place tonight. Ruby gave me a kind of small room. But I don’t care, it is not like I want to get old and homely here.
I look up when a soft knock on my door sounds up. “Come in?!” “Hi…” My eyes get slit like. “Close the door again…from OUTSIDE!” I tell Darryl who looks almost shy. “Jay…I…I didn’t want to…well…confuse you…”
Hell why does he have to wear only an armless black top with his trousers? Is that a straight guy thing? Slade walks around half naked all the time too. I mean okay if they know a girl might come their way, but I guess he isn’t thinking on anything close to that here alone in the room? I could sigh a bit. I always preferred the leaner built. And then this chocolate eyes. The shock of light blond hair tousled boyish. I bite my tongue. Hard. Get clear Darryl!
“Please…Jay…hear…hear me out?” I set on my puppy eyes. Unable not to. Maybe it still works? He still looks pissed at me, but shrugs then “Five minutes!” That’s enough! I sit down on the little table. “Thank you…Jay…I am…I am sorry. I shot too far. It was meant…erm…teasing? Kind of challenging you?” “What for?” “Don’t know…go out of yourself? You are as frozen as a block of ice…” I blurt out. A creamy, yummy, vanilla ice. Bet you taste like that. Not good Darryl! Jay looks hurt. I mean REALLY hurt. Awww! Not good…so not good Darryl!
Ice-block? “Cool level headed” is the description you puppy face! I want to throw him out again, but he looks so cute. Cute? I shake my head and stand up. Guys aren’t CUTE! Not to ME! I walk to the window, to look out of it. Safer. “So you don’t think I am gay? You didn’t mean to point that out?” “Why is it affronting you? I mean…it is just a small sentence to say “ Sorry you got it wrong about me…I am not in your team… ” But you flip?” “Of course I do!” “Why?” “Because…because…it is…” “What? Is it such a mighty insult, to be called ‘gay’? I am not affronted if someone thinks I am straight!”
Fucking little …I close my eyes. Squeeze them painfully. Fuck the hell, Darryl made a good point in that. There is no reason to throw a drama in that way. It is not like he accused me to be Jay- I mean JACK- the ripper. I snort involuntarily. I am exhausted. Otherwise I am not such a joker. I lean my head to the window, hard trying to keep it together.
What’s going on now? Jay’s shoulders are trembling while he leans his head to the window, a cute sound of laughter shacking him. How nice that sounds! He has a good voice anyway. Right mix of cool - and softness. “I’d like to laugh too?” “It…is nothing…silly…really…” He gasps for air. I can’t help it. I join his laughter. It’s infectious. We laugh a while. Then he looks confused at me. “What?” I ask him. “Do you really think my …troubles with keeping a stable relation…might come…come from…?” He looks to the floor. God damn me, I got really to him! I am going to rot in hell. Fire for a life time and all that probably. I didn’t want to cause him such a confusion!
I get up and walk to him. Take place beside him on the window. “A relation is a two sides thing Jay…the woman does something to it too. Maybe you just didn’t meet the right one till now…” “Did you…ever…well…kiss a girl? I mean…to just see if…?” “Sure…” I grin wicked. “Being gay doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a kiss with a girl. You can even have sex with a woman, even enjoy it…though I tend to say that someone is rather bi then…” “Bi?” “Means that someone likes women and men…” He raises his brows at me. Reprimanding. Looking like a strict high school trainer. Okay I hadn’t to explain that. That eyes tell me.
Darryl has nice eyes. Honest. Open. Rich colour. What the hell?!Where do that confusing thoughts come from? “What’s the matter Jay?” You are! I want to scream, but that’s not right. I am just confused. It was maybe too much stress for me?! Anyone might lose his marbles sometime? I ruffle my hair again. “Darryl…I…the thing is…you…you made me think about it the whole day…and…it drives me insane?! Why do I even think about it? I mean…you’re right…it shouldn’t bug me that way…” “There is a saying…like…persons who constantly deny to be gay with getting mad by it…throw a tantrum only to brush over that indeed they are…” I look at him, not believing that he said it again. Like he has to decide how I am.
Great action Darryl! I sigh to myself. “Jay…listen…I mean…I mean…well…we are all so young?! You never even had the chance to…well…experiment…you know…some persons do that in their youth. But you are such an organised, strict person in a way…you just challenged me to tease you. I didn’t mean that for real…you running through the girls to appear manly…I mean…is a playboy manly? Not to me. I am the loyal fan. I like the idea of…big love or something like it. A guy like Lex for example is and stays an asshole…and not a big man…” Jay’s grins all of sudden. Aww. The sun is dawning on me! Beach boy. But then his grin slips away as fast as it came. SHAME! “How would I know?” He sighs. Does he mean for real? Does he mean how he would know if he might like guys too or more?
I take a breath. The thought in my mind is crazy. But then again…“ Let’s play a game of truth and dare?!”
Is he for real? Truth and dare? But then again…why even not? I am sick of being alone in that room. I guess Lex is doing the naughty with Siva or she has killed him meanwhile. Don’t know what I would prefer. Ebony maybe gets the fire on with Slade. Ram is doing whatever. Gel is no company to me anyway. After all in the end she might also fall for me. Bleh . I shrug. “Sure…” Hey I never was a coward!
Darryl grins. “Great…hmmm…here we go…truth or dare?” He asks and I grin back at him. Not that way you clown. I know where you want to head . I am clever myself. “TRUTH…” I speak “Okaaaay…do you rather want to see Amber naked or …Slade?” I pull a face. For real? Slade’s isn’t my type at all. “Amber …” I answer honestly, but I don’t feel better for I have thought that Slade is not my TYPE. Means that if he would have taken another guy, I might have chosen the guy instead of Amber?
That was a ‘feel safe’ question. I wait for his turn. “Truth or dare?” “Truth of course…” Always two times more then you cute vanilla! “Why did you take up the job being ZOOT’s double?” I am taken aback. That IS quiet a personal thing to ask and…I look in his eyes…he IS honestly interested? Interested in ME? My heart flips a mile it seems. “I…well…I wanted to be…seen? To be realised…I…in our world…there seems to be no space for a creative artist…it is all about who has the most muscles and can fight better…” “Hmmm…I understand that in a way. That is why I preferred to join the Technos. Seemed way more civilized then running around with a bat smashing people out of the way…” “So you rather chose to zap them?” I dare and he grins guiltily. “Yeah…not THAT clever…” “Okay…truth or dare?” “Hmmm…truth…” “Imagine there are only guys…no girls any more…do you chose ZOOT or Bray?” I wait with baited breath. I have never met Bray in person. Seen him after the chosen time, making a speech. Yes. But never spoken to him. But hell he was yummy, wasn’t he?
Rolling my eyes I look at him. Stupid thing to ask. Would have better taken ‘dare’. But I said ‘yes’ to the game and so I think. Hard. It is mean for the memory on Bray alone has kept Amber distanced with me. But, yes…I would chose him. “Bray…” I close my eyes, feeling embarrassed in a way. “Me too!” He grins when I open my eyes. “Yes?” “Yeah…the built…the face…the EYES…mammamia…ocean blue…such a rare colour …” “His son has his eyes…” I smile a bit, remembering little Bray. Yeah if the boy grows to be his fathers copy, he will get to know trouble with girls. “Your turn…” “Truth or dare?” “Truth!” A thought flickers in my mind. Maybe a bit evil, but well that game is EVIL in a way. “Would you chose Bray or me?” In a way I even mean it for real. A dead guy preferred over me, his memory keeping the girl away from me, had hurt me like hell. He muses a long while.
Touché Jay. Well played. I muse around. Look around a moment. “Maybe I take ‘dare’?” “No way…you wanted ‘truth’!” Sure enough the general won’t fool the rules. I sigh beaten “Okay…I would chose you…”
It sounds so soft, when he says that. Shy? Sheepish? Heat crawls high my neck. I cough. My own fault. I wanted to know it. I choose to ignore. “Your turn…” I almost bark. “Truth or dare?” His voice is still small. Still he doesn’t look up. Why does that get so much to me? Do I WANT him to look in my eyes? Yes I want . “Dare…” I whisper, knowing what I say with that.
I jerk my head high. Did he really say that? I am sure he knows why I asked for that game. Pointing out that he could maybe find out with me if he likes a little hunting beside his usual ways. I swallow. That isn’t happening now or? Maybe I am somewhere in one of Ram’s visions? But then it wouldn’t have a meaning any way. No harm would be done? “Well…then…sure?” He nods short. Ah like “yeah I am a man!”. The cute vanilla with a sexy flavour to it. “Kiss me!” I can’t help it. My voice is very silent. I am nervous.
I swallow. There you are Jay. What got into me? But inside something tells me, why not? It is not like all is written before we live it?! A kiss is a kiss? All just empty phrases. Carefully I move my hand to his face. I never touched any guy like this. Only my little brother maybe in a way. Darryl closes his eyes when my hand lays on his cheek. Does he enjoy even that so much? That gives me kind of a thrill. No matter what. I can’t think straight. I don’t want to think straight?! I don’t want to think at all! I act fast, close the space of air separating us and place my lips on his. A kiss. A short simple touch of lips. I am not a coward . I…his lips are soft. Damn soft. Moving? With mine? Mine move with his? Hey…that is not the plan! I break away. “What…I…”
Damn he ended the kiss way too soon. Didn’t he like it? He looks hell of confused. Sorry man you sure feel something for guys too. I am not quiet sure if he is gay, probably really more bi. But I never threw away a chance like that. “ Don’t worry… We don’t speak of what just happened ever again…” I whisper. “It is safe with me!”
My head is spinning. I feel confused, but excited. I…want more of this feeling?! I lean closer to him. Grab his face again. “What happens in Liberty stays in Liberty?” I breath before I kiss him again, this time the way I love to kiss…with all my being and soul…