’Fantastic,’ I mutter before burying my head in my hands for a second. Taking a breath I sigh, ’too late now, guess I have to own it’ I decide. It wasn’t that I regretted it, it was just going to take some processing.
Glancing over my shoulder at the others in the cafe I let my eyes linger on Luc for a second, he was very attractive so at least it could have been worse… maybe? ’Think I might steer off the booze for a while,’ I tell Zandra before laughing, ’I didn’t exactly come to the mall to hook up with the first guy who smiles at me, last time I did that it ended pretty badly!’
I let out a quiet laugh “There is nothing wrong with a hook-up to scratch that itch from time to time” I tell her thinking about Eve, the owner of the little bar “There was a girl I worked with before coming here and she swore a friend with benefits was the way forward, no messy emotions, great sex, and no pressure” I smirked “Sounded pretty good to me” I add before eating some more porridge, it was actually really nice.
Zandra tells me there’s nothing wrong with ‘friends with benefits’, and I weigh up her words while I eat my porridge. Would ‘scratching and itch’ with someone I didn’t know be beneficial? Would it help me move on… maybe? I guess it would be one of those ‘you won’t know till you fry it’ kinda situations. ’He mentioned last night he has a lot of girls on the go…’ I pause ’I don’t think I like the idea of being one of many… it just sounds… messy?’
I give a small nod “I get that and for the safety side of things multiple partners probably isn’t the best idea… But he could always be up for a mutually beneficial relationship while you’re here as long as he isn’t jumping from bed to bed” I look at her “He is definitely attracted to you and while I do think he’s a bit of a prick, he is a very good looking one”
Zandra tells me he’s attracted to me and I look confused for a moment, ’or, he was drunk and I was there?’ he hadn’t shown any sign he was attracted to me before we started drinking, had he? No, not that I could remember…
’I wonder if there have been any more red envelopes?’ I query changing the subject slightly, it felt weird talking to her like this and although it felt like I’d known her forever I still had some reservations about the whole situation give that we’d only met yesterday.
“Please, he was pretty much attached to you before the drinking even got really started” I gave a small laugh “That man knows how to handle his drink and out of plenty of girls there you’re the one he had pressed up against the wall” I said pursing my lips “And you already said he has a few girls he could go between so its not like it was a lack of options”
I lean back slightly “I plan on living vicariously through you”
Zandra is right, Luc and I had been talking before the drinking started, or were we flirting? Was I so out of practice I hadn’t noticed he was flirting with me…? I smile slightly, ok that was a nice thought… she also mentions that he could have gone elsewhere, which meant he’d chosen to kiss me. I bite my lip, thinking over her comment.
’Vicariously through me… why not find yourself a man… or woman…?’ I didn’t know Zandras history, apart from the bit with Lex, but I had a feeling she would be able to get a partner, if she wanted one.
My thoughts drift for a moment contemplating her suggestion of friends with benefits, how did you even go about suggesting it? I couldn’t exactly walk up to Luc and say ‘hey, wanna hook up?’ …. Could I?
I shake my head slightly "Oh god, me and relationships don’t go well, first I was married at 14, pregnant and buried alive, and second… " I stop pausing for a moment, I’d not spoken about it before but it didn’t really need to be a secret, I suppose I hadn’t really had someone to talk to about it “The second was even more complicated if you can believe it”
“When the Techno’s invaded me and a lot of those in my tribe were taken and we were sold into slavery. I was given to the leader of a tribe, usually, he shared his possessions but for some reason he refused to share me and somehow over the years it felt like it was a relationship, obviously, now I know it wasn’t but yeah after the experiences I have had so far, I’m pretty sure I’m a bit too damaged for a relationship” I ended with a laugh.
Zandra tells me about her history, I understand her reasons for wanting to avoid it after everything that she’s been through. ’I think the world ending screwed everything up more than we realised,’ I comment not really knowing what else to say, ’we wanted what felt ‘normal’ but didn’t know quite how to do it.’ Sighing I glance around the kitchen, ’I spent a lot of time alone at first, then this boy found his way into my home… literally. He told me all about his broken heart and how he wanted to fix the world. I fell for the bullsh#t and for him… thought we could turn the clock back, make up for past mistakes or something… ended up getting myself sent away by the chosen, which was, not good. Finally made my way back to the city expecting him to be waiting for me, except he wasn’t… I actually found him with his arms around his pregnant Amber,’ I almost spit her name, ’I fell for Bray’s lies and he made me a fool… I was so broken hearted I just started walking… after months in captivity and then that my body wasn’t up for much, I collapsed outside the city, wouldn’t have made it if I hadn’t been found by…’ I pause, ’anyway, I get your aversion to relationships but sex can be just sex… right?’
I sat listening to Danni, hearing Bray’s name i give a small nod “Oh he always had the girls falling over for him, I was with Lex but I never liked Bray in that way, he was too… Goody goody for me” I tell her and purse my lips “It’s always the ones you really trust that hurt that most isn’t it”
“Sex can definitely be just sex, but I think while we’re here its not really an option even if I could must up the courage to even kiss someone, I’m the girl with the awkward ex sleepiing rooms apart”
’He did, and looking back I don’t even remember the appeal,’ I admit to Zandra. Maybe I’d been taken in by his desire to fix the world, especially given my own guilt about everything, but I wasn’t going to share that.
’Thats true, but I got the feeling Lex didn’t want to be here so maybe he won’t stick around. He wasn’t exactly Mr. Reliable back in the day. I know people change but he’d have had a lot of changing to do!’
I let out a small laugh “I’m sure everyone says that about their ex’s, I know I do” I shake my head lightly “Thats true, although do you think I can bring the conversation up from last night with Callan and Luc, about moving up to the second floor. I don’t know if you’d still want to move, but I’d definitely prefer a bit more space” I pause before cheekily smiling and adding “But a plus side for you, if you do decide to hook up with Luc it’d be so easy to sneak to his room and no one else would know”
It was quite a tipsy conversation last night with them but they might not even remember it today.
’I definitely think we should mention it,’ I agree when she brings up the conversation about moving upstairs. My agreement had nothing to do with hooking up with Luc, and everything to do with spacing out a bit. Although the shops did seem to be soundproof downstairs already seemed quite crowded, ’it might be worth a few of us moving, spread things out a bit more.‘ I add, although it would depend on what space was available etcetera. ’Better to do it sooner than later so people don’t get too settled, although most of the shops look like they’ve been completely abandoned so all need cleaning up.’
Finishing my porridge I look over at Luc, Callan , Jaz and Alice, they seemed to be having a conversation so now probably wasn’t the time to bring up moving rooms although now Zandra had mentioned it I was quite keen to do it. Hopefully they’d agree and we could move today before any more mallrats showed up!
I feel better knowing that Danni was still up for seeing if we could move upstairs, hopefully with a little more breathing room I’d not be quite as snappy with my previous tribe members, if we were going to figure what was going on and who was calling us back we needed to be able to communicate… Atleast a little “I agree”
“Do we know what we do with pots yet?” I asked Danni looking at our bowls.
My focus kind of leaves the farm conversation when I notice Red and Danni talking, I cant help but want to know if they are talking about me though noticing they have finished and kind of just sit there I remember Callan saying earlier about talking to everyone on how we work day to day.
I turn my attention back to Callan and Alice “Callan, sorry to interrupt but with so much going on I reckon it would be a better idea to divide our attention. We’re not going to be able to go to the farm and will likely have loads to do here, I reckon we put Zane as Alice’s go to, if she needs help with anything Zane could take people with him dependent on whats needed” I give a small shrug, I’d put Callan in charge of this situation but I still planned on contributing my thoughts.
’No idea,’ I comment when Zan asks about pots, ’I left mine on the side last night as I didn’t want to waste resources, which looking back was kinda rude but better than wasting water… maybe?’ I wasn’t entirely convinced that it would make sense to anyone but myself but hopefully whoever had tidied up after us wasn’t too annoyed.
Glancing back towards the others I notice Luc stepping away from the group, my eyes catch his and for a second I can’t help but think about last night. I can feel the blush creeping over my skin so quickly look away, down at my empty bowl. So much for playing it cool.
Of course I notice Danni looking at me, follow by her blush though I am pretty sure the only other person that would have noticed was Red but I doubt she would say much anyway.
I tapped Callan on the back motioning that I was leaving the conversation with him and headed over to the two girls “Just put your bowls on the side for now, Callan will go through what we do in a bit”
I watched as Red gave a nod and picked up their two bowls heading off to the side, though the smirk on her lips was clear to see.
Sitting down on the other side of Danni “Don’t worry, none of this has to be awkward, I’m not going to be announcing to anyone about last night” I stopped for a moment trying to gage her reaction “But I’m not going to lie, it was pretty hot and I bet sex would be epic”
Luc comes over and tells us to leave the bowls on the side until we’ve gone through what to do, before I have a chance to do anything Zandra has picked up my bowl and disappeared to tidy them away.
Luc sits down on my other side and I am suddenly hyper aware of his presence, I can feel the heat radiating from his skin. He tells me that he isn’t going to tell to anyone about last night, and then tells me he thinks sex would be pretty hot! I let out a quiet squeak, very aware that my face has flamed a bright shade of red.
’Zandra was going to ask about us moving upstairs,’ I manage to let out, although I’m not sure how much of it was actually words and how much was just noise. Rubbing my hand over my face I try and focus myself, ’sorry, I’ve never… done… this?’ I mean, that was probably blindingly obvious to him and I probably seemed ridiculous but I couldn’t pretend to be anything other than myself.
I hear the squeak and let out a small laugh as Danni changes the subject “I’ll chat with Callan, considering how full it’s getting downstairs it makes sense to move some of you up” I tell her.
“I’m not going to lie, its nothing new to me, I firmly believe that sex its one of the best types of therapy you can get. Stressed… sex helps, upset… Sex takes your mind off it, frustrated, happy, horny… It even helps with headaches” I stop talking for moment “What about it makes you feel unsure?”
Luc agrees to talk to Callan and I nod slightly, well at least he managed to translate what I was attempting to say.
He tells me sex is an amazing type of therapy and lists all the ways it helps before asking why I’m unsure, biting my lip I think for a moment, ’I’ve only ever… with two people. The first…’ I shake my head, ’the second… I loved him… and he, he died?’ I pause, ’I guess, I guess it feels like I’m betraying him? By moving on? By doing something that makes me happy?’